Season Preview: Everyone else.

Oh, give me a break, you say. Well, give me a break. You can write 200 interesting words about Blackburn Rovers? I bet. Sam Allardyce is a fat sack of shit who actively plays anti-football and is the reason (not literally, but in terms of mindset) that the England FA have won F-A lately. Cue the laughtrack?

Blackpool will be an injection of fun into the league. Ian Holloway is everything that Fat Sam isn’t.  He’s like Phil Brown with a functioning frontal lobe. Though they are unlikely to repeat their debut performance, they may well pull a Burnley and keep up with the big boys for a while. They luckily inherit a league full of shockingly poor teams. West Ham were incredible lucky to be competing against a CLUB WITHOUT PLAYERS to avoid relegation last year. Good looks, Portsmouth. The shame about the Hammers is that they’ve always been a club who actually go out looking to play the ball around, and they’ve never been interested in those shockingly aggressive challenges that some people seem to think should define the English game. At least Scott Parker is going to make a nice going away present for someone.

Tottenham are exciting (grasps at throat) but will hopefully embarrass themselves in Europe. Spurs are less the death of football than Chelsea or Man City, but they still seem content playing as a business running a deficit. As my friend Paul Newall wrote on Twitter the other day, Gareth Bale may be the best left-sided player in the league. I think Paul wrote “in the world,” but Spurs supporters are notoriously full of shit. Either way, THFC are about one Brazilian striker away from keeping Man City out of the Champions League for a long time. As an Arsenal supporter, this actually sits fairly well with me, so long as they are absolutely demolished by teams like Sevilla every year in the first knock-out round. Small club.

Chelsea can fuck right off.

Who’s left? Liverpool? Okay. Roy Hodgson is a genuinely good person. Did you see him and Wenger shake hands yesterday? It was great. Two non-bastards just having a nice pre-game laugh. Then Joe Cole went in like a scythe for no reason, then Almunia played like Almunia, and then Reina did something thoroughly un-Reina-like. With Woy at the wheel, Liverpool will finish fairly well. Let’s all agree that N’Gog is not good enough and just move on. Dirk Kuyt looks like a furby. He really, really does.

Owen Coyle’s Bolton will hopefully prove to middle table teams that playing football is much better than buying a player who can throw the ball 70 yards or trying to shatter legs. I might even root for Bolton. This will cause me to drink. That won’t be so bad.

If Newcastle go back down, I will laugh for the entire summer.

And there! It’s the entire preview! Did I miss your club? I understand that you love Manchester City. However, I hate you. Tough shit. Start your own website.


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